The warning signs you’re about to have a nasty divorce

Nora Ephron wrote that you should “never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from”. The quote, penned in her 2006 essay collection I Feel Bad About My Neck (and was, she later admitted, stolen from her sister), came after her own high-profile divorce from journalist Carl Bernstein, which inspired her novel Heartburn. Essentially, she explains, conflict reveals someone’s true character; A bad partner becomes a punishing adversary.

It’s a theme explored in the aptly named forthcoming divorce drama War, which follows a narcissistic film star (Sienna Miller) as she attempts to cut loose from a powerful tech billionaire (Dominic West). Just one scene was based on real life: When actor and director Olivia Wilde was, in an act of sharp cruelty, served custody papers while on stage at CinemaCon in Las Vegas on behalf of her ex-husband and Ted Lasso star Jason Sudeikis.

“That’s the interesting thing,” West told The Guardian. “How two people who loved each other can descend into warfare. That’s where the drama is: that knife edge between love and hate.” West himself was photographed kissing his The Pursuit of Love co-star Lily James in 2020, despite insisting he was still in a “strong” marriage with his wife Catherine. The couple subsequently affirmed their commitments to each other with a handwritten note.

In the last year on record, England and Wales recorded 105,002 divorces (105,961 total dissolutions including civil partnerships) according to the Office for National Statistics report for 2025. Of these, most opted to go their separate ways after 13 years. Of those married in 2015, roughly 16 per cent split before reaching their 10-year anniversary.

Obviously, predicting who’s going to come for your throat when you call a marriage quits is easier said than done.

Strangers, Belle Burden’s memoir of her marriage – and instant New York Times bestseller – shocked thousands of readers this summer with the story of how her idyllic husband walked out on their family after an affair with no explanation, no visitation rights to see their three children – and every intention to take the bulk of what she had.

If we’re to trust Nora Ephron’s prognosis, then it’s reasonable to assume that marrying someone kind, fair, loving and honest would protect you from the world’s worst divorce. But the reality is messier than that, because any nuanced human can also be an emotional shapeshifter.

“There is this man I was with for 20 years, slept in bed with for 20 years, and I do not know him anymore,” Burden explains after her marriage disintegrates. “I do not know how he spends his time. I do not know his character. I do not know how he makes decisions.”

Clare Pilsworth, Family Law Partner at Tees Law, says this flip of the switch is not an entirely uncommon phenomenon – as scary as it is. “You see the best and worst of people when they’re in the process of being divorced,” she says. “Can someone be super happily married one day and the next day be absolutely full of vitriol? Yes. For sure… Really quickly.”

Ultra-high-net-worth divorce lawyer Ayesha Vardag, who secured a £64m settlement for Malaysian businessman Khoo Kay Peng’s ex-wife, Pauline Chai, in 2017, says one clue to figuring out how someone might handle a separation is to look at how they do business.

“There’s usually someone, statistically it’s the man, who’s been extremely successful,” she says. “Generally, to get to that point, they’ve had to be super alpha, dynamic and very, very, forceful. Quite often, they have an immensely high opinion of themselves and their ability to be clever and subvert systems. They’re aggressive in demeanour and attitude.”

On the other hand, those who’re less bolshy and more backboned may offer an easier ride. “They’re the ultra-successful people who’ll say, ‘Look, it’s fine, because I can just build everything back up again,’” says Vardag. “It’s a sense of supreme confidence in themselves and their abilities, as well as a generosity of spirit. They really draw success.”

Although Pilsworth says predicting whether someone you marry will be honourable in divorce is essentially a roll of the dice, she admits there are a few red flags that tell you your negotiations are going to be fraught once things get going: being buried in (increasingly AI-generated) paperwork, hiding money, or child custody being used as a weapon.

Erratic, vengeful – or out-of-character behaviour – both say, is often seen among those who’re shocked, wounded, or threatened by the separation. In Strangers, Burden tells of how she and her ex-husband unexpectedly reached a settlement about an hour before their trial was due to start, after months of hostility. She doesn’t know why he caved.

“Calming people down is generally based on finding out what’s someone’s biggest worry and working from there,” says Pilsworth. “But it takes a while, because that person has got to trust you.

“Once you’re cross and you’re in these court proceedings, it kind of feeds itself and gets bigger and bigger; that sense of annoyance.”

The wealthier people are, the longer the spat tends to rumble on; The rich can afford the legal fees – and the final fat payoff is worth the fight.

There’ve been legislation changes to encourage considerably less mudslinging. No-fault divorce, where there’s no need for accusations about anyone’s conduct, came into play in 2022. However, Pilsworth says those wronged may still try to get a jab in somewhere.

“If someone’s committed adultery, you can refer to it in the finances and say it’s unreasonable that I can’t have more of the money in the house, because they’re going to go and live with another person, so they don’t need it,” she explains. “People feel the need to refer to it, although it doesn’t make a difference. It’s about their pain being listened to.”

In 2010, Vardag won the landmark Supreme Court Radmacher v Granatino case, where she successfully argued that German heiress Katrin Radmacher’s prenup should be upheld, thus shifting English legal tradition to recognise this type of contract for the first time.

Still, she’d like to see tighter rules around dividing assets without these to make cases less slippery.

“We’ve got principles. We all know what they are – but there’s enough wiggle room in them that it’s usually worth fighting about it,” she says.

Divorce, alongside emotional trauma, generates financial and legal strain, family disruption and a physical toll, including chronic cortisol levels, sleep issues, high blood pressure and a weakened immune system. “It’s an absolutely catastrophic event,” emphasises Vardag.

“It’s both people’s money and financial futures. It’s the valuing of themselves, their contribution, how lovable and deserving they are. That’s all on the line for them, psychologically,” she adds of the “extreme situation”. “I’m not surprised when people become combative.”

‘War’ premieres on Sky at 9pm on 2 October and streams on Now